Headline: RETURNING
TO WORK WILL SAVE ME FROM IMPRACTICAL IMPULSES
Reporter: By Greg Freeman
Publication: ST.
LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Last Printed: Thur., Jan. 7, 1999
Section: METRO, Page: B1, Edition: FIVE STAR LIFT
The lure of infomercials
The time had clearly
come for me to return to work from vacation.
I
knew it for sure as I flipped channels during one of those vacation days and
came across a guy named Billy Blanks. You've probably never heard of Billy Blanks.
I hadn't, either. But I soon realized that I had simply been unenlightened,
as big stars like Sinbad sang his praises and said they had been working with
him for years to stay in shape.
Blanks
is the guy who pushes something on an infomercial called Tae-Bo. Blanks, according
to the commercial, is a world martial arts champion who has developed Tae-Bo,
which "blends your own hidden strength with the ancient arts of self-defense,
dance and boxing combined with today's great music."
On
top of that, Blanks is a muscular man with glowing, mahogany skin and a shaved
head. The guy looks like the picture of health. As I watched him discuss how
easy this was, my eyes rolled to my stomach, still protruding from the last
of the Honeybaked Ham left over from Christmas. I began thinking, "You
know, I could look like him."
My
dialing finger started to itch for a moment before my mind kicked in.
"What
are you doing?" I asked myself. "Are you really going to use this?"
My mind wandered
back to other times when that dialing finger had itched. Like the time I was
laid up in the hospital and purchased videotapes off a TV commercial that promised
to teach me how to do the Macarena. I could "Macarena with the pros!"
the ad had promised.
I
guess I ordered that because even the thought of my doing the Macarena -- something
that would send most people to the hospital -- seemed preferable to lying in
bed all day. Not only did I never learn the Macarena -- something I'm proud
to admit, by the way -- I never even opened the videos when they arrived.
I thought back
a few years, when woks seemed to be all the rage in infomercials. I could learn
to cook healthy. No more frying the health out of vegetables, or boiling them
beyond recognition. No, wok cooking was quick and sealed the nutrition in the
vegetables, making them more flavorful, the ads promised. And, because I ordered
before midnight of the night I saw the ad, I got a free spatula thrown in. Who
could ask for more?
My
wok arrived, and the family waited to see what wondrous concoctions I would
prepare. I cooked a couple of meals, as I recall, and then retired the wok to
the top shelf of our kitchen pantry, returning us to our wok-free meals.
Last year, I did
buy some videos on TV that I enjoyed, even though I've been warned by friends
to never show them in their presence. One late night, an ad came on for videos
of some of those old Dean Martin roasts. For those who don't remember, Martin
hosted a "Man of the Hour" every week on NBC during the '70s, and
the roasters were generally funny people of the day: Lucille Ball, Flip Wilson,
Don Rickles and the like. Occasionally, politicians would get in on the act,
people like Barry Goldwater and Hubert Humphrey. It was actually a bizarre show,
and the quips were clearly canned, but quite biting.
As
someone who likes to laugh, I've got to admit to enjoying that one -- even if
I'm an audience of one.
Besides, I've used the videotapes more than I did the Juice Tiger that I bought a couple of years ago. Remember those? They were advertised by some older guy who seemed to be in good shape and who said he swore by it. Take fruit, any kind of fruit, and make juice out of it. Great idea, I thought, and I ordered it. Then I started buying fruit to make fresh juice, and quickly found that it was a lot cheaper, not to mention a lot easier, to buy the juice already squeezed. The Juice Tiger now sits next to the wok.
As for Tae-Bo, I quickly came to my senses. I'll never look like Billy Blanks; who was I kidding? I flipped the channel again, hoping I wouldn't run into another infomercial.
Anyway, it's good to be back at work. It will keep me from buying things.
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