Gregory Freeman: Parenting Skills, Responsibility Need Polishing. P-D 6/28/1996

Headline: PARENTING SKILLS, RESPONSIBILITY NEED POLISHING
Reporter: By Gregory Freeman

Publication: ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Last Printed: Fri., Jun. 28, 1996
Section: WAR PAGE, Page: 5B, Edition: FIVE STAR LIFT

MANY OF US who are parents like to think that we're raising tomorrow's leaders, legislators and legends.
How many of us are actually raising tomorrow's muggers, maimers and murderers? At a time when more and more people are committing cold-blooded murder and other crimes, it's worth it to examine what may be behind many of them.

I'd argue that much of it goes back to how a child is raised. My folks used to call it "home training." That's certainly part of it.

In this business I've learned to be surprised by very little, but I'm still taken off guard when I run into children talking to one another in language that would make a sailor blush.
Now, kids have been cursing since before Mark Twain ever saw the Mississippi, and I was no stranger to kids who cursed when I was a youngster. But what's changed today, in many instances, is the lack of respect given adults.
When I was a kid, youngsters would watch their mouths when adults were in earshot. Today, many seem to relish cursing in front of adults and are quite willing to curse out the adult who calls them on it.

But a lack of home training isn't actually the problem. I'd argue it's among the symptoms.
In too many homes these days, infants and young children seeking love and attention are getting violence and indifference instead.
How many parents - both women and men - feel that their responsibility as a parent ends the day a baby is born?

How many parents, tired of the noise, strike their toddlers to get them to stop crying? How many people use spanking not only as a punishment but as a substitute for teaching?
   After I wrote a column last year about a woman who cursed and violently beat her 2-year-old daughter on a supermarket parking lot, I was surprised by how many people responded that they had witnessed similar incidents.
   I fear that what many parents don't realize is that they are sending their kids messages that could ruin them later.
   Some of these kids learn that violence is power, that if you are violent, you're the one in control. Some grow up believing that the more violent they are, the more powerful they'll be.

Others who aren't shown real love as a child - kids whose fathers have simply walked away and ignored them, for instance, or youngsters whose mothers let the streets raise their children, rather than doing the job themselves - often never learn how to love. That shows up in many ways, such as guys who think of women as sexual conquests but could never have a long-term, loving relationship.
The public often sees these folks in news stories. Many times they're the ones who are cold-blooded killers, the ones who pull the trigger in drive-by shootings, the ones willing to kill another person for a car and feel no remorse.
These folks are sick, and for many of them the sickness goes back to their parents.

In America, one has to learn the rules to drive a car but doesn't have to do anything to raise a child. And with the increase in births to teen-age mothers, more parents don't know how to raise their kids. When you're a kid yourself, it's a lot harder.
Some young parents become resentful of their babies. Although they may initially be excited by the prospect of a child, they may eventually feel trapped.

I suggest that America is faced with two significant problems it must deal with, because they're connected to so many others: teen pregnancy and parents without parenting skills.
   These two subjects aren't terribly sexy. Neither Bill Clinton nor Bob Dole may consider these topics as issues that will win them votes. But they're issues that anyone who wants to lead this country should be concerned about.
   We're all paying for these problems. We're paying for them in taxes to help raise the children and to build more prisons. We're paying for them in the damage and violence being done to others every day.
   Instead of promising us tax cuts like strangers offering children candy, I'd rather hear the candidates tell us what they're going to do about these problems.
   More police, more jails and tougher laws are fine. But it makes more sense to go to the source of the problem - how youngsters are raised - if we're to ever have any hope of realistically dealing with it.

Gregory Freeman's column appears Sunday, Tuesday and Friday... <deleted>

Daniel Schesch - Webweaver

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