Greg Freeman: It's Time To Go Back To Work; Rosie And I Are Much Too Close. P-D 4/18/1999

Headline: IT'S TIME TO GO BACK TO WORK; ROSIE AND I ARE MUCH TOO CLOSE
Reporter: By Greg Freeman

Publication: ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Last Printed: Sun., Apr. 18, 1999
Section: METRO, Page: C3, Edition: FIVE STAR LIFT

DAYTIME TV JUNKIE

If all goes well, I hope to be back at work this week, after being away a few weeks recuperating from surgery.
   It won't be a minute too soon.
   I spent far too much of my recuperation watching daytime TV, and I learned something:
   Daytime TV is like a drug. It's addictive. It draws you in and then makes you come back for more.

For me, the addiction started while I was in the hospital. It's pretty boring being in the hospital. Except when family and friends came by to visit me, I spent 95 percent of my seven days there lying in bed, a television set at my side.
And although I had plenty of books to read, I found it a lot easier to watch mindless television.
The hospital set had no cable TV, only the basic local channels and a fish channel. A camera was aimed at an aquarium where goldfish swam around and around. That was soothing for a bit, but after a while I began secretly wishing that someone would throw some piranha in there just for some action.

I soon started watching much of what was on during the day although with certain standards. I refused to watch any soap operas (my mother calls them her "stories"). I had no interest in those.
But I started watching lots of other programs. After watching so many of them, I developed opinions of them. Here are a few:

"Martha Stewart" That woman is amazing. She can cook anything from fancy delicacies served in the finest restaurants of New York to down-home Southern meals. My wife can't stand her - she thinks Martha's "Miss Perfect" - but I was pretty impressed by her. I never thought I could watch an hour-long cooking show, but Martha made me do it.
"Donny & Marie" This Osmond brother-and-sister act has improved considerably since the '70s, when they were so sappy you'd gain weight j ust by watching them. They're bearable now, they don't seem to need to sing on every show, and they had some pretty good guests. Donny's also pretty open to trying new things, such as the show where he lay on the floor and had a half dozen scorpions walk over his body. This isn't heady stuff, but it's entertainment.
"Regis and Kathie Lee" These two drove me nuts. They're way too perky for early in the morning. It's as if each of them has spent the morning drinking a pot of coffee. Way too over the top for 9 a.m.
"The Nanny" I had never seen this show before, and found myself looking forward to it. This comedy features Fran Drescher, a woman whose voice could scrape paint off walls. It's a lightweight comedy, but it's probably helped by the fact that it has a theme song at the beginning that explains the whole story, how this woman became a nanny, of all things. After watching the opening and hearing the theme, you know what the show is all about. Not bad.
"Judge Mills Lane" This guy is the drill sergeant I never had. He looks like a bald pit bull, and says things like, "This is my courtroom and you'd better shut your yap!" He's tough, but the guy seems to be fair. I found myself agreeing with most of his verdicts. Of course, I always found it interesting how he never cited any case law for making his decisions. If being a judge were so easy, we'd probably be a nation overrun by them.
"Judge Judy" Now here's a judge I like. She's a tough woman, and no one's getting anything past her. She's very quick to say, "I think you're lying, sir! I don't believe that story for a minute." She's hard but she gives life advice as well. For example, she told a woman who was pregnant and engaged to a man who's been in and out of jail that she ought to look for a better role model for her child. The defendant looked at the judge with contempt, but I could hear millions of Americans watching saying, "That's right, tell her!"
"The People's Court" While we're talking court shows, I'd be remiss without mentioning this one. This court is now headed by former New York Mayor Ed Koch. Koch, whom I remembered as being a rather combative mayor, is a rather laid-back judge. Of all the judges, he seems to be the most fair and compassionate and - surprise - the most boring. I guess it's better TV when a judge yells at someone or tells them to keep their trap shut. When a court show is set up the way most real courtrooms are, they're not always terribly exciting.
"The Rosie O'Donnell Show" In this woman I have found a soul mate. As a child, I watched a lot of TV, and learned who knows how many commercials and theme songs, information that generally serves me well only during games of Trivial Pursuit. But Rosie and I must have been separated at birth. She amazes her audiences by singing the theme to "The Flintstones, " or "The Patty Duke Show" or "Happy Days." Sadly, I know the same themes. The difference between us is that she gets millions of dollars for knowing those songs; I get friends who think I need help.

By now, it should be clear that my mind has been turning to mush while I've been recuperating. Not only do I want to get back to work, I need to, as soon as possible, for sanity's sake.

Daniel Schesch - Webweaver

back