Headline: FATHERLY WISDOM
Reporter: By Gregory Freeman\Of the Post-Dispatch Staff

Publication: ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Last Printed: Sun., Jun. 18, 1995
Section: PD MAGAZINE, Page: 6, Edition: FIVE STAR LIFT

Few pleasures compare with the joy of fatherhood.
    Like fatherhood, those pleasures can be both profound and ephemeral: the sound of an ocean's waves crashing against the sand, or the smell in the air just before a rainfall.
   But they can't begin to compare. I've known that for 14 years, since the birth of my son, William.

Will and I have a good relationship. When I go somewhere, chances are excellent that he'll be with me. Ever since he was a little boy, he's loved going with me wherever I've gone. That love has taken him with me all over St. Louis, across the country and, at times, out of the country. Whether it's a trip to the ballgame, to a play or just to lunch, he's likely to be at my side.
   His mother and I always try to be there for him and he tries to be there for us as well. On a particularly bad day, he'll come to me, put his arm around my shoulder and try to cheer me up. He's a good son and I'm proud of him.

Will loves to draw and is a pretty talented artist, something that he gets from my mother, a graduate of the Kansas City Art Institute. (As for me, I can't draw a stick figure straight.) Perhaps the greatest tribute he pays me is when he draws a picture and includes me in it, something he does quite often. He probably thinks nothing of it, but I'm always flattered that he's thought about me and decided that I should be in the picture.
   It's impossible for me to think about my life without him in the picture.
   Take apart the old expression, and it's absolutely true: Will is my pride. He is my joy.

Of course, I'm not the only one who cherishes fatherhood. In fact, when the Post-Dispatch asked men to share their experiences of fatherhood with us, we were overwhelmed by both the quantity and the intensity of the responses that poured in.
    St. Louis clearly has lots of dads who relish the time they have with their children and who treasure their relationships. Whether their children are adult or newborn or somewhere in between, these men consider fatherhood one of the key defining facts of their lives. "A father" is their essential, though incomplete, answer to the question, "Who are you?"
    But they phrase that answer in as many ways as there are - well, fathers.

We wish we could print them all, but we're happy to share at least this selection.
______________________________

In the summer of 1988, I was pitching for the Chicago White Sox, and the team was struggling. It was a difficult season for me personally, as well.
   Having just been in the World Series with the Cardinals, it was quite a shock to find myself living and playing in Chicago, on a losing team, in the American League... and to really top it off, my own pitching record was dismal!

One night in July, after another lousy game, I pounded the steering wheel in frustration and said out loud what everyone else was thinking: "I stink!"
   That's when my 18-month-old daughter, Jennifer, piped up from the back seat, "No you don't, Daddy! You just took a shower!"

As much as I loved baseball, I knew then that it would never be the same again. Jennifer, my darling little girl, had changed my outlook on life and given me something that baseball and pitching and wins and strike-outs and sports could never give me - unconditional love.

Ricky Horton
Chesterfield
______________________________

I was 32 years old, a bachelor and a firefighter when I met Cindy. Fortunately for me, marriage came complete with a family, two very pretty girls, Kimberlie and Melanie, 14 and 9.
   Well, a home is not a fire station, and two girls are not firefighters. You don't "manage" them! I learned a lot about diplomacy, humility, keeping my mouth shut and lots of other things. Did you know you only have to cook about 1/3 as much food to feed a wife and two children as a station house of firefighters?

It has been 11 years now, and Kim is married and has given me Clayton, the most fantastic grandson ever born. Melanie is an "A" senior at Mizzou. I am very much in love with my wife and family and would not trade places with anyone. God has been good.

Jim Wilcox
St. Charles
______________________________

I'm a grown man, but I'm following in my son's footsteps. My son draws me into his life by involving me in his activities. I am doing things now I never did as a child, never even thought about doing.
   I was taking Drew to Tae Kwon Do and reading computer manuals while he took classes.  For an Easter present last year, he enrolled me in trial classes! I have now advanced four belts and am probably in the best physical shape I have ever been in my entire life. He tested for his brown belt last week, and now I have to call him sir.
   He landed a part in "Oliver!" and they needed parents to play rich people. I was taking him to rehearsals, so I volunteered. What a thrill to experience my first role on stage, and even more thrilling to spend five minutes on stage with my son.

These and other things have made our relationship very special. I only hope he does not take up sky diving.

Andrew Sobey, Jr.
Ballwin
______________________________

I am the proud grandfather of twin girls. I did not know how wonderful grandchildren were until these two darlings came into our life. In my eyes, they can do nothing wrong. They even put up with my singing (which not many people can)!
   I look forward to trips to the Zoo and the carousel at Faust Park. I know each holiday will be brighter as their faces light up with anticipation. Thank God for blessing me with grandchildren.

Shep Smith
Chesterfield
______________________________

Sometimes when our house settles down after a hectic day, when the phone mysteriously stops ringing, the knocks at the door cease, the last crisis is snuffed out, there aren't any more skinned elbows or knees to attend to and the tears have all been dried, I take a moment to look around and study each one of our eight children. I realize how unique they all are, and what a great gift has been entrusted to our care.

Richard Wehner
Affton
______________________________

It is Saturday, and I awake to my four children scattered, sleeping between my wife and me. A routine sight, but today I am amused by the togetherness and think about how blessed, yet squished, I am.
   Who would have ever thought I would be a father of four! Not me! I was going to be a Major League pitching star, a free spirit receiving fame and fortune. But as I glance across the bed and I think of them charging toward me when I get home from work, screaming "Daddy! Daddy!" I realize I have more fame and fortune than I could have ever imagined. I love being a Major League Daddy.

Dan Stroud
O'Fallon, Mo.
______________________________

It's Saturday morning, Mom's chance to relax and my chance to spend time with Joyce, our developmentally disabled 6-year-old.
   Saturday mornings mean therapy for Joyce, therapy in the form of a carefully designed horseback riding program.
   Joyce is excitedly nervous as I escort her into the barn. I am anxious on this first day, fearful of how Joyce might react. Another parent smiles, a look of understanding in her eyes. "Don't worry, " they seem to say.
   Tears well up in my eyes as I witness Joyce's calm when the riding begins. No tantrums, screaming, crying or head-banging as they circle. What a wonderful Mommy Joyce has, I think, for having signed her up.
   Riding a horse with a backdrop of a gentle breeze, chirping birds and the sweet smell of countryside is a rich experience for an inner-city girl. The warm feeling grows within me as I admire the volunteers and professionals working with Joyce. Even the specially chosen horses, many in their twilight years, seem to sense the importance of their effort.
   The horse's gait strengthens Joyce's spine and pelvis, while giving her a sense of freedom, mobility and success.

As we drive away, I wonder if my emotional catharsis has been part of the program. Saturday, it turns out, provides therapy for both of us.

Eric V. Cowle
St. Louis
______________________________

Although removal of training wheels from a child's bicycle may be a minute responsibility, it is life in its simplest form for me.
   In a fleeting moment, there is the realization that the child you embraced next to your chest on that momentous birth day is riding away from you. When the child rides away without training wheels, the father remembers his child's smile and moon-like eyes, connoting overwhelming gaiety, pride, self-esteem, confidence and independence.
   I experienced those feelings with my children.
   But the selfish part of me desired to hold on.
   Soon the day will come when I will have to release my children, Tony and Maria, completely. It is my hope that they will embark upon the journey of life in peace, harmony and joy.

Frank J. Cognata, Jr.
St. Louis
______________________________

Fifty years is a long time to be so short. Fifty years ago, you were born on the coldest July 1 ever recorded in St. Louis history. Your mother and I went to Deaconess Hospital in the middle of the night, and it was so cold I had to put on a sweater.
   I sat in the waiting room, not knowing what to do or how long I would have to wait. I nodded a few times and finally gave up and lay lengthwise on a nearby bench. I finally went to sleep but was awakened by Dr. Ringo himself. He said, "Wake up. You've got a big baby boy. Get all the nickels you can, and start calling your friends."

Howard York
Brentwood
______________________________

Being a father today means something different than it did 20 years ago.
   I changed my daughter's first dirty diaper when she was just a few hours old. A lot of folks may say, "You can have those dirty diapers." But it's the greatest love and the greatest feeling to know that your little baby needs you very much and will for a very long time.
   I feel the dads of the past were cheated of a tremendous experience in taking a complete role in the raising of children. It was really a societal force that kept dads from feeding and changing diapers.
   However, I feel yesterday's dads are making up for that, with the love and affection they give as today's grandpas.

Jerry Vitale
St. Louis County
______________________________

In 1990, we were living in Florida. "We" includes my wife and two daughters Sandra, who was 5, and Catherine, who was 1. My wife, Connie, accepted a temporary engineering position in St. Louis, and I said, "Sure, I can handle it." Until that time, I never gave much thought to the daily domestic chores involved in running a house and raising the girls. My wife had done most of that, even though we both had full-time jobs.

Things went along OK for a while, but one day I received a call at work from the day-care administrator. She said Catherine had a fever, and I had to come and get her. I said I couldn't leave in the middle of the day. I told her that men can't walk into the boss's office and tell him, "I have to leave, I have a sick child."
   She said, "Good mommies do that, no matter what their sex."
   I thought about the thousands of working mothers who have to go through this day after day. I gained a whole new appreciation for motherhood.

Before long, I learned to look in the mirror before I left for work, not to check if my tie were straight but to see if I had any cereal or milk stains on my shirt. I learned how to use No More Tangles. I learned that it costs $120 for a nurse to stay with two sick children when you have a seminar to give. I learned how to dress a Barbie doll.

Our family was back together in a few short months, but it was a learning experience in many ways, a learning experience that I wouldn't change for the world.

Ken Whaley
Florissant
______________________________

No one told me the part about the 2-year-old becoming best friends with the vacuum cleaner.

Steve Wilhelm
Affton
______________________________

As a school guidance counselor, I focus on the relationships kids develop with people in their lives.
   So when Nicole asks me to tuck her in at bedtime, I'm pleased and proud that my No. 1 is happy about spending time with me.
   When Janessa says, "I want to stay home with you" instead of going with her mother to run an errand, I appreciate our unique conversations. . .

In daylight or darkness, fatherhood is a blessing. And this father is loving every minute of it.

Nathan Bailey
Robertsville, Mo.
______________________________

All three of our babies had colic. I remember holding them on my lap face down and moving my legs back and forth to soothe them. I would position their little tummies so that my knee put pressure where they would get some relief from the pain. When they finally went to sleep, we would lie in bed, exhausted but uneasy, waiting for the next crying episode.
   The memory of the anguish and concern went away as time passed. But when I hear a baby cry with a certain kind of cry, it brings back those feelings.

Frank Carman
Fenton
______________________________

Being a father is the thrill I get when Megan runs to me after her bath and throws her arms around my neck and hollers "Daddy!" Being a father is putting my hand inside Lamb Chop, the puppet, and trying to convince Megan that big girls use a potty. Being a father is playing Aladdin or Prince Charming or the Beast for my princess.
   Faith and God play a major role in my being a father. Megan is the living, breathing reaffirmation of miracles that I enjoy each and every day of my life.
   You see, my wife and I were told there was no way we would ever have children. Megan is proof that with God, there is always a way.

Steven M. Cross
Ironton, Mo.
______________________________

Fatherhood had taught me the Candyland lesson.
   While playing the board game, I was near a win when I picked the plum card, which placed me near the start.
   While I was voicing my displeasure, 4-year-old Zack told me I needed to be happy with what I got.
   My son is truly the teacher and I am the student.

Richard Markow
Des Peres
______________________________

My Jessica is 6 1/2 years old, and if I don't kiss her goodnight I have a hard time going to sleep. I don't know why, but every night I wake up and I always check to make sure she's covered up.
   Some people used to consider me a pretty tough man. I wonder what they'd think if they saw me on the floor playing Barbie dolls with my daughter.
   I guess this sounds pretty harsh, but I would die for my daughter, and for the right reason I would kill for her safety.

Larry Coleman
St. John
______________________________

We found we could not conceive, and the adoption process began. . .(it) took around two years.. .My fellow employees at Schnuck's threw me a shower, the biggest surprise of my life.
   Our social worker led us down a hall into a playroom. Across the room, the eyes of a 1-year-old girl met mine. She reached out her arms and tried to walk over for a hug, falling twice along the way. . .I felt my heart wanting to break out of my rib cage.
   My daughter is 13 now!

Paul Feld
St. Louis County
______________________________

The doctors told me that crying was the only form of exercise a baby gets. Well, my children, Sarah and Joe, are the most physically fit kids in the world.

• First, there was the "Hello, I'm here" cry at birth. To all expectant fathers, I urge you not to miss this one. It is by far the most incredible.
• Then there is the 2 a.m. "I'm hungry" cry.
• Furthermore, there is the "A Clydesdale has soiled my diaper" cry.
• The next cry is the "hurt cry." This is the one that scares me the most. While getting stitches, Sarah screamed, "Daddy, please make him stop!" It broke my heart.
• The best I've heard was the one after I'd administered four sharp blows to Sarah's back to clear a small piece of broccoli lodged in her throat. You see, if they can cry, they can breathe!

As I watch the most important people in my life grow up, I dread the day when our house is silent, and I can no longer play "the crying game."

Mike Capstick
Eureka
______________________________

Having daughters not only means learning to deal with little girls but learning a new respect for women in general, wanting to see them treated truly as equals.
   Call me a traitor to machismo, but don't tell my ladies they can't do something because they're "only girls."

Alex Sotomayor
Hazelwood
______________________________

When I look at his eyes, I don't detect mine. His first six years are a mystery to me, photographs I wish I could climb into. I am his step-dad.

How do I prove my fatherhood? Homework assignments corrected in my hand. His hand in mine, midway across a street. Photographs of me alongside him squirt gun duels, restaurant scenes, my wedding to his mother. Maybe I hear in his voice the echo of a joke I told or a social injustice I denounced.

Step. I bristle at the four-letter word. Most of the time, he calls me by my first name.
   Once he sat on my lap while he drew a picture of all of us. He labeled his mother's stick figure and his own, and the dogs, then asked me to close my eyes. When I opened them, "Dad" was written in his sliding scrawl above my stick figure. I swear, the light changed in the room. No status, no rights but that which he gives to me, freely.

Herbert A. Eastman
University City
______________________________

Both my daughters are now in college, but it seems like just yesterday that I was bathing them and feeding them and watching each of them say their first words, which were, of course, "Dada."
   The delights came almost every day.
   And as they mature into wonderful young women, embarking on their own lives, I delight when they both tell their mother that they want to find a guy just like their dad.

Ed Musen
Creve Coeur
______________________________

When my daughter smiles at me in her inimitable way, there is nothing in the world that can match the feelings of love that surround me. For it is a love that has been given to me by the other love of my life, my wife.

Arthur B. Gibson
St. Charles
______________________________

Last year I was the victim of the latest corporate management strategy, downsizing. I'd be hard-pressed to describe what I felt.
   Looking at my family, though, I didn't see the same gamut of emotion in their faces. They seemed much happier! The kids' reactions were more like, "Oh boy, Daddy's home! I get to play with him!"
   Probably the biggest boost to my morale was the simple things that my 4-year-old would say. One day, for no reason at all, he approached me and said, "Dad, you're still the best." Not bad for such a little guy.
   For myself, I would never trade this experience because it made me appreciate even more something I've had all along: my family.

Michael S. Austrin
St. Louis County
______________________________

What I wouldn't do to hear the pitter-patter of little feet every night, or to tuck her into bed every night. I'd love to be there during the skinned knees or bouts of sickness, to comfort her when she's feeling down, to smile with her when she's feeling happy.
   But. . .with a slam of the car door, my short-lived happiness draws to another close. The only feeling to remain is anticipation, for the week is long and the weekend short.

Charles Maciocia
St. Louis
______________________________

I don't know if I'll ever get used to the constant worrying.

Billy Wieprecht
Chesterfield
______________________________

It is very important for everyone to know that Dad is human also. I know. . .I am a Dad and I hope and pray my family will remember the good times and forget the bad.
   Oh how I wish I could relive those years that I thought work was more important than playing catch or a tea party.
   I would give it all up today to be at just one more birthday party, to catch that one last ball, to watch that one last play. What I would give.

Patrick D. Croghan
Florissant
______________________________

One Sunday, our pastor selected homosexuality as his sermon topic.
  Within minutes, our 8-year-old son whispered, "What's that word mean, Daddy?"

Postponing my answer, my last hopes of him forgetting the question came as we left the parking lot. "Daddy, what's that. . ."
  Gathering my wits, I replied, "Son, homosexuality means. . ."
  "No, not that, Daddy. I know what that means.
  What does `compassion' mean?"

Steven F. Wear
Owensville, Mo.
______________________________

It's scary to see me in a junior size.

Dr. Martin L. Buchheit
Florissant
______________________________

I just want him to grow up in a world full of peace and love.
   Ryan smiles a lot right now. I am afraid he doesn't know how bad it is out there.
   Don't worry, son. Dad's here for you.

John F. Kennebeck
Shrewsbury
______________________________

Married with five kids. Figured I could never save enough money to have just one.
A handful is much better than one. Ask any kid.
  My first son, Nick, was one day old and already giving orders.
  Every family should have a Paul; everybody loves his smile.
  Our third son we named after St. Jude. Life is pleasant when I agree with him.
  It took four tries, but I got my Ana. She is wonderful. Once told me, "You can kill kids if you send them to bed in the daytime."
  Cecilia is my baby. She sits on my lap saying "My Da." Wonder who is holding who?

Ron Winker
St. Louis County
______________________________

It's great to be a dad, but it's better to be a granddad. When my kids were little, I worked all the time. I have more time for grandchildren.
   My wife and I are raising two granddaughters.
   Times have changed. No more getting up in the middle of the night to warm bottles just scoop the formula in the bottle with warm water, and it's done. Diapers are great just take them off and throw them away. Just one thing to remember: Keep things high, away from the little ones.

Orville Hughes
Lemay
______________________________

I feel extremely blessed that my wife's income made it possible for me to quit my job so I could stay home and take care of our son.
   Joining the growing ranks of full-time dads (I am not a "Mister Mom, " thank you very much!) has definitely put me through some changes, but it is not as difficult as I thought it might be. (My biggest challenge so far has been meal-planning and cooking.)
   My wife's co-workers keep asking her how I am "adjusting, " but it has been remarkably smooth because I love what I am doing! I know that I don't do things the same way a woman would, but I'm very confident that our son will turn out just fine.

Gil Crisenbery
Sunset Hills
______________________________

The marriage had to end, but fatherhood did not. Yet divorce pulled us apart. It took eons for Matthew to feel comfortable at my apartment. Many weekends were cut short by his insistence on going "home." Other times Matthew would not come at all.
   My terror was hell. I was losing the only scraps of time we had. I wondered if this was why some dads disappear. It was hard, being shut out by the one I loved the most.
   I became discouraged many times, yet I couldn't quit. Behind the anger was love, and it would come forth in time. And so I continued to show up. . .
   Matthew will be 10 this summer. He loves sports. I'm helping to coach his baseball team. Sports never interested me much, but hey you make sacrifices.

Tom Moore
Maryland Heights
______________________________

"Take a look, fans, take a long look. You'll never see the likes of him again."
   It was late September 1963, and my father made sure we were at that game. When Stan Musial took that final convertible ride around the field, there wasn't a dry eye in the park. My dad cried, hugged me and said he was glad I came along. I was, too.

A couple of weeks ago, I took my daughter to her first pro basketball game. We went to see the best who had ever played the sport. The crowd noise was thunderous, just like a jet taking off at Lambert Field. As I looked down and saw my daughter's hereditary goosebumps and the tears streaming down her face, she grabbed my hand and said she wouldn't have missed this for the world. Don't worry, I wouldn't have let you.
   Thanks, Dad.

R. K. Baker
Danville, Ill.
______________________________

We had finished negotiating a deal on the vehicle of the '90s, a new minivan. The price included a trade-in of "Dad's car" a 1973 Mercury Marquis, bought used, with almost 90,000 miles on it. We called it "the limo."
   We had to turn it in the night before we got our minivan, so it was assumed that I would drive the old car to the dealership while Mom and the family followed in the "good car."
   Surprisingly, our 6-year-old son, Neil, said he would like to ride with me. So off we went on the limo's last ride.
   As we pulled into the dealership, I said, "Well, Neil, you wanted to go for one last ride. I guess you love this old car like Dad does."
   Somewhat surprised, Neil answered. "No, Dad I love you. That's why I came."

John Roden
St. Louis
______________________________

I worry about him. I worried when he was a little boy.
   I worried when he joined the Army. I worried when he became a paratrooper. With the Persian Gulf situation, I worried for a different reason. I worried that I might not be able to worry any more.
   I wish he was home. I wish he was asleep with his cat.
   I know I can't protect him. I know he is no longer a little boy.

John D. Martin
Ellisville
______________________________

Since Lori came with no instruction manual, as I had hoped, fatherhood has been quite a learning experience. On-the-job training, so to speak.
   I've learned a lot in the past three years.
   I learned an emotion I didn't know I was capable of. I can't think of an adjective that could even begin to describe the love I have for my daughter. She has become my whole world. I only hope I can be the father she deserves.

Joe Seidler
St. Charles
______________________________

This week, for the first time, I hoist my infant son over my head so he can ride on the back of my neck. He's wildly amused to be up there. When he gives his blissful shimmy, I feel a wave of panic. What if I drop him? Am I strong enough, steady enough to support him? Should I restrain his joyous gesticulating, as I feel my own was restrained during my youth? If not, how shall I master my own fearfulness?
   Like fathers everywhere, I hoist him to give him the advantage of my height. Presently, that's an advantage of 44 inches, so I lend him my tallness.
   In seven years, I will lend him my old baseball glove.
   In 12, it will be my sweatshirts.
   In 15, my car.
   In 20, my sage thoughts on marriage.
   In 25, the grudging lessons from my mistakes in the work world.
   In 30 years, God willing, we'll be talking about parenting. I'll try to show him the safe, firm grip I've perfected for carrying a baby on the back of my neck. My son will insist on doing it in his own, more carefree, way. And I, God willing, will smile, unafraid.

Christopher M. Scribner
Maryland Heights
______________________________

Fatherhood changes everything attitudes, the stuff you do, even time.
   No one warned me that PTA superceded Monday night football, or that a peaceful evening with the latest Tom Clancy novel would be disturbed by vague anxieties. . .until the soothing slam of a car door signaled my teen-ager's safe arrival home.
   But mostly, nobody warned me that time telescopes. The long, groggy nights that we steamed and comforted croupy kids happened just yesterday. Suddenly the boys have outgrown soccer, scouts, proms and perfecting lefty curve balls. Lord, I miss it all.
   My dad should have warned me about the real peril of fatherhood: Kids grow up.

Ron Lindsay
Chesterfield
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