Gregory Freeman: Black Couple Hope Book Sheds Light On 'Normal' Lives. P-D 10/27/1998

Headline: BLACK COUPLE HOPE BOOK SHEDS LIGHT ON `NORMAL' LIVES
Reporter: By Gregory Freeman

Publication: ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Last Printed: Tue., Oct. 27, 1998
Section: METRO, Page: B1, Edition: FIVE STAR LIFT

Middle-class love story
   Shirlee Taylor Haizlip and her husband, Harold C. Haizlip, are real people.
   That's the message that shines through in their book, "In the Garden of Our Dreams: Memoirs of a Marriage." The couple met while in college, he at Harvard, she at Wellesley.
   The two enjoy the pleasures of middle-class success. She has written a prize-winning book, produced television shows, headed charity fund-raisers and written for national publications. He is a prominent educator who is western regional director of Communities in Schools.
   Oh, one more thing: the Haizlips are black. And that explains one of the reasons for their book.

"We really aren't that unusual, " Shirlee Haizlip said when I sat down with the couple recently. "There are millions of black, middle-class families in America, people like us who live responsible lives, send our kids to school, pay our taxes, do what we're supposed to do.
"We wanted to leave behind a written record of the lives of normal, middle-class black people."
Harold Haizlip added: "What's unfortunate is that it's often the pathologies of blackness that draw all the attention. Five thousand years from now, people may ask, `How did black people live who were not poor?' We thought this book might be one way to answer that question."

While the news media, movies and television deserve part of the blame for generally presenting blacks largely as poor people with dysfunctional families, one reason that many know little about the black middle-class is the black middle-class itself, the Haizlips say.
   "So many black people who are middle class believe it's important to keep that quiet, as if should someone find out about it, they'll try to take it away, " Harold said. "Some would prefer to keep that a secret."
   The Haizlips have chosen not to. The cover of their book features photos from their 1959 wedding. Theirs was a grand wedding, featuring the bride and bridesmaids in elegant white gowns with matching hats and gloves, and the groom and groomsmen in formal tuxedos with carnations.
   The wedding featured both black and white bridesmaids and groomsmen. Even that has served as a curiosity to some who have been surprised that both blacks and whites would be part of the same wedding.
   "Considering that we had black and white friends, it's hardly that unusual, " Harold said.

Clearly a loving couple, the Haizlips enjoy a good relationship, finishing each other's sentences, throwing loving glances at one another. In their nearly 40 years of marriage, the couple have gone through trying times, learning more about life, about themselves and about relationships.

Longtime readers may recall Shirlee Haizlip. I wrote about her several years ago, when she had searched for her mother's family, most of whom had abandoned her when she was very young. Shirlee learned that her grandfather, who was very fair-skinned, had left town to pass as a white person, and started a new, "white" life.

This time, the Haizlips chose to write about themselves and the love that they've shared over five decades. "You don't read many black love stories, for whatever reason, " Shirlee said. "It's as if they don't exist.
   But we've had a love affair with one another for years."
   And the love between the two is the underlying theme of their book. It's about their relationship, and how they've had to change with changing times.
   What they worked out was "a musical chairs of sorts, with Indians and chiefs, " he said. "I don't assign myself to either role. In some circumstances, I'm the Indian and she's the chief. In other circumstances, it's the other way around. It's worked for us."
   In many ways, the Haizlips conclude, a successful, loving relationship between a man and woman transcends race. "The bottom line is to respect one another and to always be concerned about each other, " she said. "That's the case, no matter what color you are."

Note: 1994 column on previous Haizlip book: "Ancestors May Be Different Than You Think".

Daniel Schesch - Webweaver

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